This one got me. Full disclosure: I haven’t opened my Bible or cute advent books in like 6 days. But it’s okay- I hid the elf, so I’m not totally failing.
At 1:30pm today, I decided I had three options:
- Cancel my plans for the night bc I’m overwhelmed and waaaay behind.
- Close my door- sit in the floor- cry.
- Be miserable till Micah gets home from work and tells me that everything is fine…again.
I don’t want to cancel my plans. I can’t cry. I have a zoom meeting at 4. I don’t want them to think I’m an emo mess with obviously puffy eyes. And…I am tired of asking Micah to remind me that “everything’s fine.” I’m a grown up. Ugh.
I decided to ignore all of those options and just push through my list of things to do. (A bit of will worship should do the trick.) That didn’t work. A couple of interruptions later, my mind filled up with a million thoughts pointing to “Amber, get your crap together.” Totally overwhelmed.
I thought about calling my mom- but she would just preach at me. I get really defensive when I’m overwhelmed. Vulnerability is uncomfortable to me. I like my crap to be together, and when it’s not- I can usually find an inappropriate place to channel all of that energy. My poor mother.
Omg. On one hand, I’m holding back tears and on the other hand, I’m ready to judge someone else. At almost 38 years old, I can finally see this. I’m still powerless to it…but at least I can see it? Idk if that counts as progress…but, whatever…
I pick up one of the three advent books I purchased at Thanksgiving. The first one was super dumb- but it did have scripture. The second one was right on time. It’s crazy how that happens so often. I know God’s Word is alive/powerful/active, but I’ll never stop being impressed when it is. Also, it’s amazing how a little more crap in my day opened me up to being willing to be preached at. Instead of Mom, it was John Piper. Sorry, Mom.
“…and this is what God does again and again. He may be doing it for you in this Advent season- graciously and tenderly frustrating you with life that is not centered on Christ and filling you with longings and desires that can’t find their satisfaction in what this world offers, but only in the God-man. What a Christmas gift that might be! Let all your frustrations with this world throw you onto the Word of God. It will become sweet- like walking into paradise.”
People (mostly myself) and pandemics have impacted my day(s) in the most overwhelming of ways. All the things I “want” are good- school in-person, kids who show gratitude, family that is easy, a house that cleans itself, grandparents who have clear minds and live forever. He created some really wonderful things and asked us to not hold too tightly to them. Knowing this, I still hold too tight and freak out on days like today-and years like 2020- and decades like 40.
God- Thank you for being tender and gracious. You know how fragile I am. Help me to hold lightly to the blessings in my life- knowing that it is you that is the true Prize- not the wonderful things you have given me.